There are days that he leaves before I wake up and comes home after I've gone to bed. He does get to sleep in the truck so he isn't driving sleepy. I was really worried about that at first, but he assures me that he does sleep. :)
He is supposed to have off on Sundays but it averages out to every other Sunday. I kept waiting for things to "calm down" and it forced me to put a lot of things on hold for too long. I've finally just accepted that life must go on and things have been a lot better!
I appreciate our time together much more. He is never home before dinner. Ever. I HATED it! But now, we often get the mornings together, after the kids have gone to school and I really enjoy that. He loves to cook breakfast. What a weirdo right? But he does, and I like to watch him cook while I have a cup of coffee and Cutecumber keeps us entertained with her funny toddler faces and quips. These are moments to treasure and I actually can treasure them now that I've stopped using the time to sulk about him leaving soon and not see him until after dark. Nobody loves a Debbie Downer, but luckily my husband pacified me for a whole year until I finally came around lol.
I've also been assessing my role as Mom and all that I do. I was in a funk, feeling like I was always a step behind in chores. I was feeling under appreciated and my job as a stay@home mom was losing value to me. Sometimes I get sick of my job, just like anyone else. I was feeling sorry for myself and missing the things I sacrifice for my kids like nice clothing, salon hair, child free time with friends, a social life, vacations with the hubby, etc...
I wish I had Victoria secret bras and pencil skirts with expensive shoes, but at least I know that my friends love me for the real me, in mom jeans, converse shoes and t-shirts.
I wish I had a girls night out or dates at fancy restaurants with my honey, but instead I see my son excel in reading and writing because I was there to help him everyday after school.
I wish I had more time to focus on me, tan, salon, manicures, but instead I do my nails at home with my daughter and listen to her problems and know how she's doing/feeling in these difficult teen years.
I know I opt to play games on the computer over moping the floors, and I know I could make better choices about how I use my time and find a better balance between the kids and myself, but I do have my priorities straight, and that is something to be proud of. My kids are fine. They are better than fine. :)
So now I've been trying to break out of this shell where I feel like I can't do anything for me because it somehow means less for my children. I know in the long run my kids (especially my daughters) will be better off seeing that a mother doesn't have to sacrifice her "self" completely for her children. It's a ridiculous standard I've set and it's hard to crack! I've let it go on so long that I have sort of forgotten who I am and what I like to do other than mom stuff (which I do enjoy) but I know there is more to me. I'm just having trouble knowing where to water and make those things grow. What ARE my personal goals? I'm not currently working towards anything. I realized how great it feels to have a goal to work towards when I did the yard work the other day. I worked hard, saw results and reaped the benefits. I felt great afterwards. I need something to work towards. I need long term goals. Something other than the everyday stuff like, do the dishes, cook dinner, and keep the kids alive. lol
I don't really know where I intended to go with this. You just have the..umm...pleasure?...of getting a glimpse into my rambling mind today. Any advice?