Now this next segment of my life is definitely my worst years. I've written out the entire story before (in a previous blog) and I've dealt with it and moved on, but for the sake of my time line I'm going to whip through it quickly.
I fell for this guys charming lines. (A married devil in disguise) He made me feel desired and wanted. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time, and this guy had some kind of power over me. He knew how to control a woman with his charm. I'd never felt this way, and my behavior took a turn for the worst. I found myself making time with him a priority over all aspects of my life, especially after I lost custody of my daughter. There were drugs involved (only pot) but it was enough to start a roller coaster ride that only spiraled me downward. I was sleeping around, lost my job, my apt, my car and closed my family off. This lasted for about a year.
For awhile I liked the attention from men and I liked the lack of responsibility this new life required. It felt freeing. Then slowly I realized how I had trapped myself. I couldn't get out. All I knew were these people and all of them were in too deep to help me. I suddenly craved the open heart I'd boarded up closed to avoid the hurt and pain. At least then I was feeling something, rather than living in the numb. I wasn't enjoying the party anymore. I wanted a quiet life, and a friend that I could trust. I started to realize that although we called each other family because we'd shut out our real families, we were a dysfunctional one, and there wasn't a single person around me that I trusted. They'd steal from me and take everything I had to offer and I had been willing to give it to them for a fake compliment in return.
Finally, one day I had enough. (Probably answered prayer of my mother's!) and I realized I couldn't erase what I had done, but I could change who I was. I severed ties with everyone.I finally started working again. I had to start at the bottom. I washed dishes at dingy diners and worked other small jobs at little restaurants and ended up at Fuddruckers (burger joint) in the Mall. I was living with my best friend from high school and it gave me a chance to start saving up money of my own and giving me a place to visit with my daughter again. It was painful to accept what I'd done, but I pushed through it and made up my mind to be someone she could depend on.
One day, as I smoked a cigarette during a lunch break, a security truck pulled up to me and out walked a man in uniform. A mall cop. For a moment a thought I had done something wrong, but instead he asked me for a cigarette and then I recognized him. We didn't really know each other but had a few mutual friends and had met each other a few times before.
Everyday, he met me outside during my lunch break and even my manager caught on before I did.
"Somebody has a boyfriend!" he teased.
But this guy was too clean cut for me. He wore a uniform and protected things. Just a few months earlier, I was part of the group he was protecting the mall from. I was just a piece of trash trying to clean up her act.
After being in a crowd where a slap on the ass was the signal that a guy liked you, his eagerness to hear about my day or offers to drive me home seemed subtle.
That's the way My Honey worked though. He drew me in with his kindness, gentle heart, and protective qualities. He was looking for a damsel in distress. He loves to be a hero. :)