I clung to him. I threw out the idea that I didn't need a man and I clung to him like drowning person holds a life saver. After our quick marriage, and the birth of our son, I became a sahm once again. I wanted it and I needed it. The year before had been a whirlwind and as I mentioned before, I wrote about that and dealt with it during our first year together. My only family in town (mom) moved away and I shut out all friends for fear they would ruin my new happiness with drama. I never went anywhere. My Honey became my life line. My only friend, and as dependant as that makes me sound, it was necessary. We became a family so fast, I needed to seal the bond with every minute I had available dedicated to just that. I paved the way for Ms. Thang and My Honey to see each other the way that I did and actually love each other. I helped a new sister love her new brother. I worked hard to be the glue, although I was needed a lot less than I gave.
As time went on, I regained custody of Ms. Thang, and we topped off our family with Cutecumber. My first "planned" child, expanding on purpose! Having so much happiness that we felt the need to add one more and make "us" even bigger. Finally, I felt like our family was sealed, and written in stone. We were unbreakable.
That had been my worry, my greatest fear. It had become my mind consuming task. Make sure this is forever! And although my stable, rock of a husband never doubted it, this took me over 5 years to finally accept. I had felt it all along, but doubted my heart because of a rocky past.
With this weight off of my shoulders and this job of "sealing" our family finished, I started to wonder what my role was in this family. Of course I am the Mother and the Wife, but what kind of mother and wife am I? Now that I am not needed as "glue" who exactly am I? I'm not the wife and mother I was fresh out of high school. I'm not the mess of a woman I was after that either. I had a serious identity crisis.