I know my past few posts were sort of out of place in this blog, and I had planned on leading up to this change I feel in myself. It was posted more for me than anything and the bottom line is, I'm not exactly who I thought I'd be and I'm not at all like I used to be. I'm finally finding my niche in the world and as much as I'd like to think I'm finally who I really am, the truth is, I'm forever changing and growing and that's exactly as it should be. I'm comfortable with who I am now, but what will tomorrow bring? I've been molded by my past. It's something that fascinates me. I'm in awe of how God works in my life. I enjoy looking back and seeing all these lessons that he was teaching me, years in advance, that gave me skills and qualities I needed for today. All this for ME and I am just a needle in the haystack. I sometimes obsess over it and try to figure out what it is he wants me to know TODAY, and although I can clue in a bit, I really have no idea where he is taking me until I am there.
I often find myself at the proverbial "edge" in life and from that view point it is virtually impossible to get a look at the big picture. I've been there for awhile, overwhelmed with my duties as a wife and mom to 3, trying to fit in "me" time and confused as to how I really ended up here as nothing in my life seemed to have pointed me in that direction or trained me to do very well. It felt like I was given a gift that I didn't deserve. I was constantly in fear of messing it up and losing it. I stayed there on that edge with these fears for a long time. I've been almost paralyzed, opting to float from day to day hoping no one finds out I don't deserve what I have and praying I can keep my undeserved treasures.
As our family vacation approached, I felt a lifting of these pressures. The idea of leaving my everyday worries was enough to distract me and actually gave me a chance to take a few steps back from that intense spot on the edge.
"I'm not going to worry about that now, I'll deal with it when we get back from vacation."
This became my new favorite motto. Parts of my big picture started to come into view, things that I hadn't noticed as I stared off into the scary vastness at the edge, scared of what might happen if I slipped and let myself tumble. I let a LOT of stuff go, (things that I'd normally worry myself into a hernia about) and I'm not going to go chasing after them. Good riddance! And now that my vacation is over, not only did I take a few steps back, but I hadn't been that close to the edge at all.
(Going to the edge helped me step away from the edge lol)
I stopped hiding from God, worried he'd realize I had gifts I should have never received and instead found myself asking him "Why have you given me this husband, these children, this home, these second chances?" and it all just came to me in little doses.
My daughter chose to live with me even though she was content with her father. I didn't trick her, or seduce her with lies. I didn't bad mouth anyone to feed my selfish desire of having her here. She forgave me and she picked me. I haven't let myself accept that for fear of gloating and loosing her, but that is the honest to God truth and feels good to forgive myself and humbly accept that gift.
I feared my husband would leave me because I was like a dead weight hanging to him for dear life, silently begging God not to take him away. As I stepped back and even discussed my fears with my husband (revealing my dark secret, that I wasn't good enough for him) He let out a sigh of relief as well, revealing that he needed me just as much as I needed him. He was lost when I met him too and instead of the dead weight I thought I was, we were keeping each other afloat. 50/50 He is my gift, and I am his.
And just like that, the dark abyss beyond the "edge" was illuminated. God truly is the light. My children were given to me because I am the perfect mother for them. My husband was hand picked for me and I was hand picked for him.
With the fears gone, our vacation was MIRACULOUS despite major malfunctions.
-a/c in the van went out and when all was said and done we spent $700 of our vacation $$.
-the title transfer and tags for the camper were estimated at $70 (by us) and ended up around $200.
-We had JUST started putting more into our 401k and the paycheck was lacking.
-We got a flat tire on the way, and our spare had to be replaced asap (10mph for 30 minutes to the next town)
-We were so broke we couldn't make it home on the $$ we had in the bank.
- Not to mention when we returned home our account was frozen and emptied until Monday due to an error on the bank's behalf!
So how did we manage?
-Honey fixed the A/C during a time crunch and within our budget becoming the HERO in the eyes of his family.
-Honey was hero again when he fixed our tire (that 10mph drive was the most beautiful section on the true route 66!) and when he stopped to help an elderly couple fix their flat, the pride beaming from the scientist as he watched his father help just about brought me to tears.
-Payday was only a day away, so we stopped at the next campground ($19 a night!) and used almost all of our cash to buy two nights. It was the most beautiful spot with the prettiest mountains in the world I'd wager.
My honey got to relax and leave the camper up, watch the sun set and not have a plan for 24 hours. I've never seen him look so happy in my life.
With nothing but gas in our tank, we took a drive and saw the most amazing things on the reservation (no pictures allowed but I'll have to dedicate a post to it sometime) and it was something we would have passed up if we had the money, driving on by and shopping for souvenirs in the bigger city.
We had the best vacations of our lives. Honey even played our last $5 (payday was the next day) at a casino on the reservation and won $60, buying us all a steak dinner that night!
It's true what they say, "The best things in life are free."