I've been listening to XM radio and I love it. Particularly the 80s and 90s, which brings me back to different times in my life. Most are happy, but yesterday, as I'm driving my oldest home from school, It's Been Awhile- Staind comes on the radio, and I'm singing along, not really thinking of why I know the words or what it really means. Ms. Thang looks at me and says, "I'm surprised you know this song so well. My dad likes it too." She has that same old question in her eyes. It is a curious thing since he and I have mostly opposite taste in music. We are very opposite really. I've noticed as she gets older, she is always questioning and searching for a common ground between me and her dad. I don't know if she is aware of it, but she does it a lot. Always mentioning when we feel the same way about things, or like something that is the same. That's the whole thing though. We had things in common as young kids (marrying in our teens) but now that we have matured and grown into ourselves we don't have a lot in common at all. Hence the split.
So my mind is drifting a bit to that time and the song playing on the radio. I start to realize when the song came out and why the words were important enough to remember.The entire Stained album was the soundtrack for the split and the divorce.
"...And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry..."
With their darker
melodies and awesome meaningful lyrics, it's probably the soundtrack to
every breakup in history. So I don't know why it touched me to think we may have both been listening to it during that time.
I suddenly felt sorry for that young couple. The odds were against them from the beginning. They had no chance, yet invested so much into that hopeless love.
And there I was, on Loop 250, with the 15yr old daughter that resulted from that little couple, listening to a song that keeps those feelings in a time capsule, thankful that I opted to wear sunglasses, because I see her quietly listening, wondering if the words her parents sing along to were ever for each other.
Just to make it clear, I'm not pining for my ex husband. I don't even really know the guy now. I'm just mourning a simple, childish love that wasn't strong enough to make it, and sorry that Ms. Thang has to dig deep to understand that she did, indeed, come from love, even if it didn't last.
I'll end this with another Staind song that fits better with the now...
So Far Away
"...Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today..."
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Bumps in the road
These past few months have been hard. It seems like every little thing that happened brought with it a few other issues that squashed my mood/well being even more, not giving me much of a chance to come up for air. I've never been diagnosed with depression but I know it's something I've battled throughout my life. After Ms. Thang was born I went through a period of "killing my old self" and becoming this new "mom" person. I think that sounds fairly normal, but looking back I can see that I wasn't really healthy. I moved away, lost contact with friends and family, formed a co dependant relationship with the wrong person. Shut myself off from the world. Then came the worst parts of a bad relationship that I tried to deal with alone and failed miserably. I left. I was doing so well after that. Got a job, had friends, was doing things on my own. Healing! Then I went back to him and it was awful. I came out of that second failure worse than I ever had been. I was mentally DRAINED. I was living a double life for my daughter where I was moving along, pretending everything was fine, but behind closed doors I was anything but fine. I was defeated as a person. I just gave up trying to pretend it was fine and let life fall where it may. I was too exhausted to play by the rules and tired of trying to do the right things.Then in one short year I lost my apt, my job, my daughter, got on drugs, lost everything and cared for nothing. That was THE single most awful point in my life. Without my daughter to keep me focused, I had nothing to live for. I was lost and floating. It was either continue on like that and die with nothing, or take baby steps to change my life. Then in the next year, I met my Honey, we moved in together, got pregnant with my son, and got married. HOLY HELL! Great stuff that year but really, such an emotional roller coaster. Baby, married, separated, second try hell, divorced, lost custody, homeless and on drugs, married, baby etc.. all in my 20s. Decade of plenty lol Then a few years later we bought a house, regained custody of Ms. Thang, and threw another kid in the mix. Things were good. I had worked so very hard to get to that place. Then I started experiencing some of the same feelings I had after Ms. Thang was born. I started "killing my old self" and for some reason this always includes cutting out friends, and becoming a recluse. I think I just try and tear down any connections to any part of my life that may take me back to where I was. It's not healthy and I realize that. I need to deal with issues, not run from them. I need to learn to trust myself.
I've been battling that for a good 4yrs now and I've made a lot of progress. But in these past few months I've really taken a lot of steps backwards and noticing that, it depresses me and suddenly I'm falling into that familiar pattern of shutting myself off.
My grandma died. It's understandably depressing but it happens ALL THE TIME. But in my defense, a few things threw me off of a natural healing and dealing pattern.
1. The funeral was 2 months after her death. I felt like I was putting deep emotions on hold, and dealing with that internally for 2 months really screwed up my coping skills for everyday life. I got behind in everything. My kids were acting out and I was letting it slide because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. If Cutecumber squeezed out an entire bottle of shampoo, I didn't say a word to her. I didn't punish her or talk to her about it. I cried because I had to clean it and I went out and bought more shampoo like a robot on auto pilot. And of course these types of things kept happening because I wasn't parenting her and every time it happened, I was delving deeper into depression because I knew it was not her fault. It was mine, and the pressure of it all was just making things worse and I was in that vicious cycle of being depressed because things are awful and things are awful cause I'm depressed. My house was a disaster zone (which is so fun to wake up to when you're feeling low) and I was only doing the absolute necessities. Take the kids to and from school, make dinner, use paper plates, plastic forks, etc so there is little to no clean up, say "uh huh" when people talk to me and lay awake all night thinking of how I'm failing at life and then cry as I realize I have to repeat it all tomorrow.
2. There are a lot of family skeletons and drama that comes up with death. That's all I'm going to say about that. It hurts to see family torn apart over stupid shit. You realize you may have to cut ties and that sucks.
3. Death makes you think too much about your life, your meaning and purpose. I was question my religion, my life expectations, etc... Not only had my grandmother died, but a close friend had a daughter just hours away from death, needing a new heart. My grandfather had a stroke and was put in rehab and a nursing home and wasn't dealing well. It was all making me focus entirely too much on death and old age. I thought it about it daily, even hourly. And are these things that should throw me into fits of despair? No, but I did feel real despair none the less and with that came guilt. How can I feel this way when people have it so much worse. I'm a terrible and selfish person. And with that came even more depression.
So there was this bigger-than-it-should-have-been build up to the funeral and I was getting my hopes up that once it was over, my life would return back to normal. I cant tell you how many times my life has been in limbo waiting for one particular event to happen or to end so that I can go on about my "normal" life. I should have known that sometimes you just have to stop banking on change and take your life for what it is in that moment and learn to deal with it because sometimes the thing you are waiting on isn't the change. The change was learning to live with never going back to normal. :/
Fortunately, the funeral came and IT WAS A HUGE RELEASE for me. On the way home I just felt so weightless. My mind felt empty for the first time in months. I physically felt the change. I really did. And then a few days later, my friend's daughter received her new heart. The two things that had been consuming my thoughts were now over. Thank you GOD!
When we got home, I started to notice things that I hadn't been able to while my mind had been so full of "death and despair" and it was not pretty. My kids were wild. My house was disgusting and I'd gained 10lbs. My husband had been ignored and busy trying to take care of the things I hadn't. I needed to take baby steps to get things back in order. But instead I enjoyed my newly empty mind and took a mental vacation of TV and Halloween candy for a couple of weeks.
At this point, it's just time to stop this and start fixing. I feel a fork in the road. I can give up completely but having done that before and it leading to the darkest years of my life, I wont. I guess in a way, those years are a blessing in disguise. Motivation to keep on trucking. I feel like the past year of getting social, losing weight, getting healthier and working on me was a waste of time and I'm back at square one. But I'm going to suck it up and move forward as that is the ONLY thing that will make things better. And I know that each time I do this, pick myself up and try again, I'm getting stronger for the next time I deal with depression creeping in on me, and there WILL BE a next time. It's something I just have to battle and you know.. I'm getting better at it. 2 months I checked out, and I have to lose 10lbs, deal with a little rebellion from the kids as I get them back on track, thank and repay my loving husband for filling in and miss a few FB statuses and TV shows as I get the house clean. I'm disappointed I let these things bring me down to this level, but I'm snapping out of it before things are out of control. I think I did ok :)
I've been battling that for a good 4yrs now and I've made a lot of progress. But in these past few months I've really taken a lot of steps backwards and noticing that, it depresses me and suddenly I'm falling into that familiar pattern of shutting myself off.
My grandma died. It's understandably depressing but it happens ALL THE TIME. But in my defense, a few things threw me off of a natural healing and dealing pattern.
1. The funeral was 2 months after her death. I felt like I was putting deep emotions on hold, and dealing with that internally for 2 months really screwed up my coping skills for everyday life. I got behind in everything. My kids were acting out and I was letting it slide because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. If Cutecumber squeezed out an entire bottle of shampoo, I didn't say a word to her. I didn't punish her or talk to her about it. I cried because I had to clean it and I went out and bought more shampoo like a robot on auto pilot. And of course these types of things kept happening because I wasn't parenting her and every time it happened, I was delving deeper into depression because I knew it was not her fault. It was mine, and the pressure of it all was just making things worse and I was in that vicious cycle of being depressed because things are awful and things are awful cause I'm depressed. My house was a disaster zone (which is so fun to wake up to when you're feeling low) and I was only doing the absolute necessities. Take the kids to and from school, make dinner, use paper plates, plastic forks, etc so there is little to no clean up, say "uh huh" when people talk to me and lay awake all night thinking of how I'm failing at life and then cry as I realize I have to repeat it all tomorrow.
2. There are a lot of family skeletons and drama that comes up with death. That's all I'm going to say about that. It hurts to see family torn apart over stupid shit. You realize you may have to cut ties and that sucks.
3. Death makes you think too much about your life, your meaning and purpose. I was question my religion, my life expectations, etc... Not only had my grandmother died, but a close friend had a daughter just hours away from death, needing a new heart. My grandfather had a stroke and was put in rehab and a nursing home and wasn't dealing well. It was all making me focus entirely too much on death and old age. I thought it about it daily, even hourly. And are these things that should throw me into fits of despair? No, but I did feel real despair none the less and with that came guilt. How can I feel this way when people have it so much worse. I'm a terrible and selfish person. And with that came even more depression.
So there was this bigger-than-it-should-have-been build up to the funeral and I was getting my hopes up that once it was over, my life would return back to normal. I cant tell you how many times my life has been in limbo waiting for one particular event to happen or to end so that I can go on about my "normal" life. I should have known that sometimes you just have to stop banking on change and take your life for what it is in that moment and learn to deal with it because sometimes the thing you are waiting on isn't the change. The change was learning to live with never going back to normal. :/
Fortunately, the funeral came and IT WAS A HUGE RELEASE for me. On the way home I just felt so weightless. My mind felt empty for the first time in months. I physically felt the change. I really did. And then a few days later, my friend's daughter received her new heart. The two things that had been consuming my thoughts were now over. Thank you GOD!
When we got home, I started to notice things that I hadn't been able to while my mind had been so full of "death and despair" and it was not pretty. My kids were wild. My house was disgusting and I'd gained 10lbs. My husband had been ignored and busy trying to take care of the things I hadn't. I needed to take baby steps to get things back in order. But instead I enjoyed my newly empty mind and took a mental vacation of TV and Halloween candy for a couple of weeks.
At this point, it's just time to stop this and start fixing. I feel a fork in the road. I can give up completely but having done that before and it leading to the darkest years of my life, I wont. I guess in a way, those years are a blessing in disguise. Motivation to keep on trucking. I feel like the past year of getting social, losing weight, getting healthier and working on me was a waste of time and I'm back at square one. But I'm going to suck it up and move forward as that is the ONLY thing that will make things better. And I know that each time I do this, pick myself up and try again, I'm getting stronger for the next time I deal with depression creeping in on me, and there WILL BE a next time. It's something I just have to battle and you know.. I'm getting better at it. 2 months I checked out, and I have to lose 10lbs, deal with a little rebellion from the kids as I get them back on track, thank and repay my loving husband for filling in and miss a few FB statuses and TV shows as I get the house clean. I'm disappointed I let these things bring me down to this level, but I'm snapping out of it before things are out of control. I think I did ok :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
From brassy to classy
The family room is slowly coming along. The walls are done (with a chair rail that we didn't really want in the original plan, but due to a technical difficulty (read: cheapest way to fix the problem) we put up a chair rail. We embraced it and decided to go chunky.
The couches are here too. Not exactly my taste, I prefer modern, but we went with easy clean up and comfort above style. It is our family room after all and we use it to sit and watch TV. Comfort is of utmost importance. :)
The floor lamp in the corner was a steal at $15 on Craigslist and let me tell you, THAT THING IS HEAVY! It is solid brass. Yes, brass. It didn't always look as pretty as it does now.
Just yesterday it looked like this:
I had the spray paint on hand, so $15 for the lamp, $13 for a new shade = $28 for a lamp that looks similar to THIS one priced for $200 (+shipping)!
Mine may be a little different, but not $170 worth of difference if you ask me!
If you remember awhile back, I painted another brass lamp for the front living room. I decided to use it in the family room and found a similar brass lamp for $3 at Helping Hands. Not an exact match, but I think it works.
The new is on the right, and these will be on end tables, just as soon as I find the right ones, for the right price. I want 3. One in the corner by the floor lamp, and one on each end of the couch. Finding 3 matching end tables on Craigslist is dang near impossible. I'll be lucky to find 2 that I like. So, I'm open to having the table in the corner being a larger mismatch. I found THE perfect one, but the lady is taking her sweet time getting back to me. :/ I'm going with a dark wood, or at least, that's the idea.
Oh, and since I stole the lamp from the living room, I picked up another brass lamp for $2 at Helping Hands and painted it yellow to match the cabinet :)
(I really need to stop taking cell phone pics I know, but it's so much easier.)
So now, the basic bones of the family room are in place and I don't know if you noticed, but it is completely devoid of all color. The reasons being:
1. Remember how it used to look like a rainbow threw up in there? (CLICK and CLICK for a reminder) Well, I'm scared! Just when I think of a color (orange is right on the top of the list) I realize I can't just have orange, white, and brown, so I think maybe a green, and a pop of yellow or turquoise and well.. you see! Rainbow throw up. ugh
2. Every room in the house (aside from The Scientist's room) has flowers and a feminine touch. I want a room that fits EVERYONE. So, finding just the right mix is tough and intimidating.
3. We've discussed themes and it's getting me NO WHERE.
Ms. Thang wants a movie themed room- popcorn, movie reels, tickets, "enjoy the show" kind of thing. I like it, but most of that artwork is scaled very small and there isn't a lot of it that I really enjoy looking at. Plus once the red and white striped popcorn containers starts running rampant, we could get crazy and end up... yes.. rainbow throw up.
The Scientist and my Honey are leaning towards an old car theme. Think old Texaco signs, and rustic 57 Chevys. - I like the rustic...not so much the "car". Too masculine..maybe.
I personally want something a little rustic cowboy. Like cowhide rug, rusty stars, wrought iron and that kind of thing. I even considered a cow skull covered in turquoise and silver for a moment (I still believe I could pull it off without it looking trashy) but as soon as the words left my lips, my Honey and Ms. Thang shared a looong good laugh. bah.
I think rustic will be in the mix. Leather couches just cry out for some old metal or chippy paint. I thought about Rodney White and I do think that the inspirational messages and rustic feel would be the perfect pairing for our family room, but EVERYONE and their mother and their dogs are into Rodney White right now. I want something different.
So for now.. I'm just working on the basics. Couches, lamps, and tables, until inspiration hits.
The floor lamp in the corner was a steal at $15 on Craigslist and let me tell you, THAT THING IS HEAVY! It is solid brass. Yes, brass. It didn't always look as pretty as it does now.
Just yesterday it looked like this:
I had the spray paint on hand, so $15 for the lamp, $13 for a new shade = $28 for a lamp that looks similar to THIS one priced for $200 (+shipping)!
Mine may be a little different, but not $170 worth of difference if you ask me!
The new is on the right, and these will be on end tables, just as soon as I find the right ones, for the right price. I want 3. One in the corner by the floor lamp, and one on each end of the couch. Finding 3 matching end tables on Craigslist is dang near impossible. I'll be lucky to find 2 that I like. So, I'm open to having the table in the corner being a larger mismatch. I found THE perfect one, but the lady is taking her sweet time getting back to me. :/ I'm going with a dark wood, or at least, that's the idea.
Oh, and since I stole the lamp from the living room, I picked up another brass lamp for $2 at Helping Hands and painted it yellow to match the cabinet :)
(I really need to stop taking cell phone pics I know, but it's so much easier.)
So now, the basic bones of the family room are in place and I don't know if you noticed, but it is completely devoid of all color. The reasons being:
1. Remember how it used to look like a rainbow threw up in there? (CLICK and CLICK for a reminder) Well, I'm scared! Just when I think of a color (orange is right on the top of the list) I realize I can't just have orange, white, and brown, so I think maybe a green, and a pop of yellow or turquoise and well.. you see! Rainbow throw up. ugh
2. Every room in the house (aside from The Scientist's room) has flowers and a feminine touch. I want a room that fits EVERYONE. So, finding just the right mix is tough and intimidating.
3. We've discussed themes and it's getting me NO WHERE.
Ms. Thang wants a movie themed room- popcorn, movie reels, tickets, "enjoy the show" kind of thing. I like it, but most of that artwork is scaled very small and there isn't a lot of it that I really enjoy looking at. Plus once the red and white striped popcorn containers starts running rampant, we could get crazy and end up... yes.. rainbow throw up.
The Scientist and my Honey are leaning towards an old car theme. Think old Texaco signs, and rustic 57 Chevys. - I like the rustic...not so much the "car". Too masculine..maybe.
I personally want something a little rustic cowboy. Like cowhide rug, rusty stars, wrought iron and that kind of thing. I even considered a cow skull covered in turquoise and silver for a moment (I still believe I could pull it off without it looking trashy) but as soon as the words left my lips, my Honey and Ms. Thang shared a looong good laugh. bah.
I think rustic will be in the mix. Leather couches just cry out for some old metal or chippy paint. I thought about Rodney White and I do think that the inspirational messages and rustic feel would be the perfect pairing for our family room, but EVERYONE and their mother and their dogs are into Rodney White right now. I want something different.
So for now.. I'm just working on the basics. Couches, lamps, and tables, until inspiration hits.
Monday, August 27, 2012
My Grandma Rose passed away on August 25th.
"Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world.
It ended when I lost your love.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder,
Why everything's the same as it was.
I can't understand. No, I can't understand,
How life goes on the way it does.
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world.
It ended when you said goodbye."
Monday, August 20, 2012
Thought I might have a few people checking out the blog today and thought I'd do a quick update (to get that depressing post off the top of my page!)
Anyway, here are a few photos I took of the house today. Cell pics, so use your imaginations mmk? :)
Here is the living room today
I went with all Shirley Novack prints (poppy theme) cause I just love her!
See that yellow cabinet? Got it at target on clearance. Another touch of asian?
Here is the Kitchen currently...
The table is a work in progress. I need to refinish it and the chairs were just cheap fill-in (easy to clean) until I figure out what I want. I love these fruit prints I got from my FIL for christmas by Martha Negley. I got the little ceramic cow head holding my aprons at Helping hands, and the fork and spoon there as well (sprayed silver) for cents on the dollar.
This area has a bit of clutter, but we are organizing school supplies and what do you do with a huge pack of tissue lol. The LIFE IS GOOD sign was a steal at Hobby Lobby with a coupon and perfect for hanging backpacks. The bundt pans were all garagesale or thriftshops. All for under a dollar.
Here is where things are getting cluttered, but love fiestaware, pyrex, and ceramics. I feel like if I can keep the clutter on top of the cabinets, I wont call myself a hoarder. But things are starting to make appearances on the counter..Im borderline! lol Everything was a gift, garagesale or thrifted.
Here is the Den/Family room. No LAUGHING! We just renovated it because of a serious water problem with a wall that was not done well when we moved in. Had to get rid of the window and bench seating.
OBVIOUSLY waiting on a furniture delivery. lol We got a nice dark brown (not quite as dark as the piano) leather set. I CAN NOT WAIT! I sent my Honey and my son to get the fan and came back with a dual blade mini helecopter lol but its growing on me :)
The walls in the kitchen,livingroom, and den now match (soon the hall as well) and although its a "boring" color, I love the way the house flows together now. Feels more uniform and I like it.
Got those two huge frames on the piano from Helping Hands for $1 each!
I'm thinking of doing a faux cowhide rug with linoleum or canvas. Could go bad, could be great. I'll try and keep you updated on how it goes.
Sorry for the rush update and sad pics, but at least you have a feel for my taste, my home, and can give me ANY suggestions cause I need help! :)
Anyway, here are a few photos I took of the house today. Cell pics, so use your imaginations mmk? :)
Here is the living room today
The window is actually those bamboo type blinds that match the floor. Just made that change and my mom and daughter are saying it's a touch asian and lately I guess I've been leaning that way and not meaning too, but I like it!
Here is the Kitchen currently...
Got those two huge frames on the piano from Helping Hands for $1 each!
I'm thinking of doing a faux cowhide rug with linoleum or canvas. Could go bad, could be great. I'll try and keep you updated on how it goes.
Sorry for the rush update and sad pics, but at least you have a feel for my taste, my home, and can give me ANY suggestions cause I need help! :)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sorry, it's a Debbie Downer post
In short, my grandma is ill, acting incoherent and although it could be years from now or tomorrow, the fact that she is dying is heavy on all of our hearts and coming to terms with that is rougher than I ever thought.
I'm not that familiar with death. My first funeral was at the age of 21? maybe 23?, my husband's (at the time) grandfather whom I'd only met a handful of times in the few years I'd known him, but he made a good impression on me with his caring heart, gentle nature, and unconditional love for my daughter, who was not his "real" family but to him, she was. That makes him more "family" than some blood related members though doesn't it? And he was very old, so it wasn't shocking or surprising. It was easier to put a God-loving man to rest, that had lived a long life. Still, I cried and learned that the sadness is not only the loss, but an aching at watching others lose something so precious. I cried for his baby sister and cried for my daughter who was too young to understand that she just lost the most precious gift of unconditional love, who couldn't understand that it doesn't come easy and is a rare and awesome thing.
Then my second funeral. A cousin who died in a work related accident, leaving behind an infant son and going before anyone expected it. It was a different kind of funeral. The loss was more shocking because he was so young and I had a more personal relationship, spanning over our entire childhood to let go of this time. I cried again for his tiny son who would never know his father, and for my cousin's parents who had to lay their own child in the ground. But this time I cried for me too. For the loss of a friend, of memories only he and I shared, gone forever. Still now, over 15(?) years later, I find myself thinking of him like he is just a phone call away and not "gone". I still laugh over memories and ache over his loss, but we had distanced ourselves over the years. I had gone off and started my own family as he did the same and we just lost touch, giving the occassional hug and small chit chat at family gatherings. I didn't know the man that died. I knew the child he was before that. I don't know why that makes a difference to me and how I reacted, but it does. In a way, I had lost my childhood friend long before he died. I lost him as we grew apart.
And there was one other funeral. A friend of my husbands who died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him at all but went to support my husband. He left behind two young children and it was gut wrenching to hear them asking questions, trying to process what happened. And the father, unable to say anything but a quiet inaudible "thank you for coming" before we left. I found myself slipping into a "what if that were my husband, my father, my children?" and it was too painful to imagine and I shut it all out. I didn't "know" him. I don't have to feel like this. And so I didn't.
And here I am, 34 with just a few tiny experiences with death. I went to visit my grandmother yesterday and it's the first time I've experienced someone dying, which is a whole different onion than dealing with the actual death of a person. And so many many layers.
My Grandmother, not acting herself at all, mainly a glimmer of who she was underneath a sludge of incoherent ranting. Her urgency in trying to tell you things before she goes, that seems so very important to her, forcing you to try and make sense of irrational things, and question the meaning behind nonsense. Listening to it for hours, just for a 5 minute glimpse of her old self to satisfy the selfish need of wanting her with you a little longer.
Then my Grandfather. The turmoil of watching her go, or not go. Not saying so, but wanting the unknowing to stop and for God to take her now or heal her so that he can be spared the unbearable pain of watching her turn into something she isn't. Wanting her back to her old self, or wanting her to go so he can remember who she was without the words of someone else coming from her face and lips tainting the image of who she really is. He said "All she wanted was a short and painless death". A gift he can not give her. An underlying anger towards God for denying her request. "It's Hell, it's Hell on earth, but so hard to say goodbye to 53 years." That 2 directional pull of "take her, I can not bare it" and "Fix her, I can not bare her to go" literally ripping his heart in two. This is not what I thought. I was ready to comfort a man who has lost, but not a man like this. There are no words, there is no fix, and I too am trying not to question God's plan.
My father. "My knight" she calls him. "He is here to help his mama with his strong back". He's emotionally drained, little to no sleep, trying his hardest to be a Knight at his weakest moments. Seeing him smile but his eyes crying. Seeing him lift and coo at her with pain on his brow. Trying to show me how strong he is when I've never seen him more child like.
So many other layers too. Death is nothing compared to dying. A funeral is a time to remember the life of a person that died, but while they're dying, it's all about the family and being there for each other. I am prepared for a funeral, but I wasn't prepared for this.
I'm not that familiar with death. My first funeral was at the age of 21? maybe 23?, my husband's (at the time) grandfather whom I'd only met a handful of times in the few years I'd known him, but he made a good impression on me with his caring heart, gentle nature, and unconditional love for my daughter, who was not his "real" family but to him, she was. That makes him more "family" than some blood related members though doesn't it? And he was very old, so it wasn't shocking or surprising. It was easier to put a God-loving man to rest, that had lived a long life. Still, I cried and learned that the sadness is not only the loss, but an aching at watching others lose something so precious. I cried for his baby sister and cried for my daughter who was too young to understand that she just lost the most precious gift of unconditional love, who couldn't understand that it doesn't come easy and is a rare and awesome thing.
Then my second funeral. A cousin who died in a work related accident, leaving behind an infant son and going before anyone expected it. It was a different kind of funeral. The loss was more shocking because he was so young and I had a more personal relationship, spanning over our entire childhood to let go of this time. I cried again for his tiny son who would never know his father, and for my cousin's parents who had to lay their own child in the ground. But this time I cried for me too. For the loss of a friend, of memories only he and I shared, gone forever. Still now, over 15(?) years later, I find myself thinking of him like he is just a phone call away and not "gone". I still laugh over memories and ache over his loss, but we had distanced ourselves over the years. I had gone off and started my own family as he did the same and we just lost touch, giving the occassional hug and small chit chat at family gatherings. I didn't know the man that died. I knew the child he was before that. I don't know why that makes a difference to me and how I reacted, but it does. In a way, I had lost my childhood friend long before he died. I lost him as we grew apart.
And there was one other funeral. A friend of my husbands who died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him at all but went to support my husband. He left behind two young children and it was gut wrenching to hear them asking questions, trying to process what happened. And the father, unable to say anything but a quiet inaudible "thank you for coming" before we left. I found myself slipping into a "what if that were my husband, my father, my children?" and it was too painful to imagine and I shut it all out. I didn't "know" him. I don't have to feel like this. And so I didn't.
And here I am, 34 with just a few tiny experiences with death. I went to visit my grandmother yesterday and it's the first time I've experienced someone dying, which is a whole different onion than dealing with the actual death of a person. And so many many layers.
My Grandmother, not acting herself at all, mainly a glimmer of who she was underneath a sludge of incoherent ranting. Her urgency in trying to tell you things before she goes, that seems so very important to her, forcing you to try and make sense of irrational things, and question the meaning behind nonsense. Listening to it for hours, just for a 5 minute glimpse of her old self to satisfy the selfish need of wanting her with you a little longer.
Then my Grandfather. The turmoil of watching her go, or not go. Not saying so, but wanting the unknowing to stop and for God to take her now or heal her so that he can be spared the unbearable pain of watching her turn into something she isn't. Wanting her back to her old self, or wanting her to go so he can remember who she was without the words of someone else coming from her face and lips tainting the image of who she really is. He said "All she wanted was a short and painless death". A gift he can not give her. An underlying anger towards God for denying her request. "It's Hell, it's Hell on earth, but so hard to say goodbye to 53 years." That 2 directional pull of "take her, I can not bare it" and "Fix her, I can not bare her to go" literally ripping his heart in two. This is not what I thought. I was ready to comfort a man who has lost, but not a man like this. There are no words, there is no fix, and I too am trying not to question God's plan.
My father. "My knight" she calls him. "He is here to help his mama with his strong back". He's emotionally drained, little to no sleep, trying his hardest to be a Knight at his weakest moments. Seeing him smile but his eyes crying. Seeing him lift and coo at her with pain on his brow. Trying to show me how strong he is when I've never seen him more child like.
So many other layers too. Death is nothing compared to dying. A funeral is a time to remember the life of a person that died, but while they're dying, it's all about the family and being there for each other. I am prepared for a funeral, but I wasn't prepared for this.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Growing up ..STILL
The original purpose of this blog was to document the slow progression of my hermit status into a hopeful social butterfly type. I'm not exactly flying around buzzing with the bees, but I've definitely come quite a few inches out of my proverbial shell.
I'm confident that I'll be prepared to handle the socialization that will come with reentering the workforce once Cutecumber starts school in a few years. I had been almost crippled by that fear when I first started this thing. Now I'm almost (dare I say) excited?
Ms. Thang is at that crucial age where life starts going twice the speed. In under 5 years she will go from 14 to having a job, a car, and in her case, graduating with an Associates Degree. It's going so fast. I've really had to discuss everything from boys, religion, politics, and just life in general; trying to plant seeds, establish strong roots and cram as much "learn from my mistakes" information in as I can before she enters into the fast pace of Life's Highway. She's already cruising the on-ramp people. It's coming fast.
As I try my hardest to prepare her in this teeny tiny short period of time, it forces me to weed out the unnecessary and focus on the more important issues in life. I find myself taking my own advice, prioritizing the more important things, and letting go of things that, in the grand scheme of life, just really don't matter.
And there have been things that needed to be discussed and I honestly just did not know how to start it, or what to say. It's hard to push your children to do things you never did. Do as I say, not as I do. You seem like such a hypocrite! You become overwhelmed with every emotion there is on the planet!
Love- wanting what is best for your child. Wanting more for them than you ever had.
Sadness- Telling them to go forward, prosper, Pointing them in a direction that takes them out of your safe and loving arms.
Fear- scared you're doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, giving advice on things you never experienced yourself.
Pride and Joy- Watching them take your advice and do the right thing. Seeing them excel where you failed. Realizing they don't always follow your advice, and their way was good too, sometimes..even better.
I pray about it A LOT and talk to my mom A LOT. It's the best we can do you know. TRY. If you don't TRY then you fail. I know I don't always have the answers for her, but I am going to try my hardest and hope that she looks back and says "My mom loved me enough to talk about that and TRIED". That's how I feel about my mom. Especially now, as I am going through things as a mother, and not from the teen's point of view, as I was when my mom went through them. It puts everything in a new perspective. You view your mom as A MOTHER, not just your "Mom", but as the woman that paved the way down your personal path through motherhood. It's an amazing thing. So yes, she is an obvious choice to go to for pep talks before I give MY pep talks lol.
Sometimes I start an important topic without an idea of where it's going but I know it needs to be discussed.There are times I look back and think.. Wow, that went really good! I try to reiterate it and it just wont come out as gloriously as it did before and I thank God, for putting those words in my mouth when I needed them most. Which is something my mom helped me understand, so I thank her too. :)
But the weirdest part is, I'm saying these things, giving this advice, telling her "YOU CAN" and "YOU'RE WORTH IT" and "YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH" knowing that I am 100% right, and it starts to sink in for me as well. I can, I'M worth it, I'M smart enough, I need that advice too! And so, I've been learning, growing, and preparing right along with her.
She's a completely different and separate being from me. Same as I am different from my mother. We all have our own journey, our own way of doing things, our own faults. For me, I try to pull away from everything, focusing only on me and those in my own little world. It's easy to be comfortable and be myself in my own home. It's not the "real world", it's my world. It's staying true to myself around others, being comfortable in my own skin outside of my safe,controlled, world that is the real test, my real journey. God doesn't want me to be a good Christian behind these doors. He wants me to be strong in my faith and who I am outside too! With others, socializing, having friends to keep me in touch with reality.
Friends don't mess up your perfect world by bringing in outside issues (my #1 excuse), they bring real issues that help you realize your little world isn't perfect. They give you perspective that you can't get in your tiny little world, and they give you a chance to share your own knowledge experience to help others.
I hope this made some sense. It's kind of all over the place, but basically, God is great, Family is wonderful and I can have all that here, in my little hermit shell. But there is more out there. We are social creatures and whether I like it or not, I need people. I'd never tell my daughter to hide herself away from everything (although I WANT to) but I know it isn't what's BEST. I want her to have more because she is worth it, and now I know that I am worth it too.
I'm confident that I'll be prepared to handle the socialization that will come with reentering the workforce once Cutecumber starts school in a few years. I had been almost crippled by that fear when I first started this thing. Now I'm almost (dare I say) excited?
Ms. Thang is at that crucial age where life starts going twice the speed. In under 5 years she will go from 14 to having a job, a car, and in her case, graduating with an Associates Degree. It's going so fast. I've really had to discuss everything from boys, religion, politics, and just life in general; trying to plant seeds, establish strong roots and cram as much "learn from my mistakes" information in as I can before she enters into the fast pace of Life's Highway. She's already cruising the on-ramp people. It's coming fast.
As I try my hardest to prepare her in this teeny tiny short period of time, it forces me to weed out the unnecessary and focus on the more important issues in life. I find myself taking my own advice, prioritizing the more important things, and letting go of things that, in the grand scheme of life, just really don't matter.
And there have been things that needed to be discussed and I honestly just did not know how to start it, or what to say. It's hard to push your children to do things you never did. Do as I say, not as I do. You seem like such a hypocrite! You become overwhelmed with every emotion there is on the planet!
Love- wanting what is best for your child. Wanting more for them than you ever had.
Sadness- Telling them to go forward, prosper, Pointing them in a direction that takes them out of your safe and loving arms.
Fear- scared you're doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, giving advice on things you never experienced yourself.
Pride and Joy- Watching them take your advice and do the right thing. Seeing them excel where you failed. Realizing they don't always follow your advice, and their way was good too, sometimes..even better.
I pray about it A LOT and talk to my mom A LOT. It's the best we can do you know. TRY. If you don't TRY then you fail. I know I don't always have the answers for her, but I am going to try my hardest and hope that she looks back and says "My mom loved me enough to talk about that and TRIED". That's how I feel about my mom. Especially now, as I am going through things as a mother, and not from the teen's point of view, as I was when my mom went through them. It puts everything in a new perspective. You view your mom as A MOTHER, not just your "Mom", but as the woman that paved the way down your personal path through motherhood. It's an amazing thing. So yes, she is an obvious choice to go to for pep talks before I give MY pep talks lol.
Sometimes I start an important topic without an idea of where it's going but I know it needs to be discussed.There are times I look back and think.. Wow, that went really good! I try to reiterate it and it just wont come out as gloriously as it did before and I thank God, for putting those words in my mouth when I needed them most. Which is something my mom helped me understand, so I thank her too. :)
But the weirdest part is, I'm saying these things, giving this advice, telling her "YOU CAN" and "YOU'RE WORTH IT" and "YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH" knowing that I am 100% right, and it starts to sink in for me as well. I can, I'M worth it, I'M smart enough, I need that advice too! And so, I've been learning, growing, and preparing right along with her.
She's a completely different and separate being from me. Same as I am different from my mother. We all have our own journey, our own way of doing things, our own faults. For me, I try to pull away from everything, focusing only on me and those in my own little world. It's easy to be comfortable and be myself in my own home. It's not the "real world", it's my world. It's staying true to myself around others, being comfortable in my own skin outside of my safe,controlled, world that is the real test, my real journey. God doesn't want me to be a good Christian behind these doors. He wants me to be strong in my faith and who I am outside too! With others, socializing, having friends to keep me in touch with reality.
Friends don't mess up your perfect world by bringing in outside issues (my #1 excuse), they bring real issues that help you realize your little world isn't perfect. They give you perspective that you can't get in your tiny little world, and they give you a chance to share your own knowledge experience to help others.
I hope this made some sense. It's kind of all over the place, but basically, God is great, Family is wonderful and I can have all that here, in my little hermit shell. But there is more out there. We are social creatures and whether I like it or not, I need people. I'd never tell my daughter to hide herself away from everything (although I WANT to) but I know it isn't what's BEST. I want her to have more because she is worth it, and now I know that I am worth it too.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Evolution of a dollar
What a dollar means to us...
Cutecumber age 3: *throws it on the floor*
The Scientist age 7: I'm rich!
Ms. Thang age 14: That's it?
Me age 34: uses awesome coupon and Albertsons sale to get 3 boxes of cereal.
Honey age 36: Puts it in his retirement fund
Cutecumber age 3: *throws it on the floor*
The Scientist age 7: I'm rich!
Ms. Thang age 14: That's it?
Me age 34: uses awesome coupon and Albertsons sale to get 3 boxes of cereal.
Honey age 36: Puts it in his retirement fund
Thursday, February 9, 2012
More on weight loss
Down 20 pounds down since Jan. 1st! .
My pants are still in the "fat girl" department, but my shirts are now just an XL. Feels good to have some more options. I'm happy to see the progress in the photos because although I've lost quite a bit, I feel like I still have the same body shape (not good) just smaller sized, but the pictures allow me to see the real difference. As happy as I want to be about the weight I've lost, it's a little depressing to see "saggy belly" rather than flat. It feels a little pointless to trade one bad look for another at times, but I'm hoping since I've lost so much so fast, my skin hasn't had time to bounce back as much as it can. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it will never be the same. I mean, I had 3 beautiful children and it shows. I'd willingly do it all over again for a saggy gut. Totally worth it! So although I'm not going to have abs of steel by the end of this, I've still gained so much. I can do a lot more activities now without gasping for air and needing a rest in between. I can go for walks with the kids and I don't even THINK about how far we've gone and how far it is to get back. That is so nice. I can't even tell you.
I hit a rough spot last week and the week before. I was doing everything right, but the pounds were not coming off. I know everyone hits a plateau and I'm just confirming that it's true. 2 weeks and I had only lost a pound. Then suddenly this week, it's dropping off again, so hang in there and stay strong!
Also, a bit on the TMI side, but because of my obesity, I had a lot of complications due to PCOS (google if you want, but basically I have ovary issues/hormonal issues) and my monthly cycle was irregular, major weight gain in the stomach, fatigue and acne. I've now had 3 regular periods! My stomach is going down and my energy is really improving. Unfortunately my acne has gone out of control, but I have a dermatologist appt on the 7th of march and I'm hoping he can shed a little light on the issue.
It feels really good to take myself off the back burner and pay some attention to my own health. I've also got a dentist appt in the near future and I just got a brand new pair of glasses. I don't feel like a better me at all. I feel like I am finally ME again for the first time in a long time. Sounds silly maybe, but finally doing this, watching what I eat, working out, getting in shape, it has given me confidence and I care about myself enough to wear flattering clothing, and care about my appearance in general. It jump started my system and I'm thinking more clearly and climbing out of that depression I had been in and I wasn't even aware of how deep I was in there. I WANT to make friends. I WANT to leave the house. I have ambition and I'm starting to make goals and get excited about my future instead of the opposite.
Anyway, corny, but a little weight loss is changing me drastically from the inside as well. I'm improving my way of life. Go me :)
12 more to go until I hit my birthday goal on March 2nd!
My pants are still in the "fat girl" department, but my shirts are now just an XL. Feels good to have some more options. I'm happy to see the progress in the photos because although I've lost quite a bit, I feel like I still have the same body shape (not good) just smaller sized, but the pictures allow me to see the real difference. As happy as I want to be about the weight I've lost, it's a little depressing to see "saggy belly" rather than flat. It feels a little pointless to trade one bad look for another at times, but I'm hoping since I've lost so much so fast, my skin hasn't had time to bounce back as much as it can. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it will never be the same. I mean, I had 3 beautiful children and it shows. I'd willingly do it all over again for a saggy gut. Totally worth it! So although I'm not going to have abs of steel by the end of this, I've still gained so much. I can do a lot more activities now without gasping for air and needing a rest in between. I can go for walks with the kids and I don't even THINK about how far we've gone and how far it is to get back. That is so nice. I can't even tell you.
I hit a rough spot last week and the week before. I was doing everything right, but the pounds were not coming off. I know everyone hits a plateau and I'm just confirming that it's true. 2 weeks and I had only lost a pound. Then suddenly this week, it's dropping off again, so hang in there and stay strong!
Also, a bit on the TMI side, but because of my obesity, I had a lot of complications due to PCOS (google if you want, but basically I have ovary issues/hormonal issues) and my monthly cycle was irregular, major weight gain in the stomach, fatigue and acne. I've now had 3 regular periods! My stomach is going down and my energy is really improving. Unfortunately my acne has gone out of control, but I have a dermatologist appt on the 7th of march and I'm hoping he can shed a little light on the issue.
It feels really good to take myself off the back burner and pay some attention to my own health. I've also got a dentist appt in the near future and I just got a brand new pair of glasses. I don't feel like a better me at all. I feel like I am finally ME again for the first time in a long time. Sounds silly maybe, but finally doing this, watching what I eat, working out, getting in shape, it has given me confidence and I care about myself enough to wear flattering clothing, and care about my appearance in general. It jump started my system and I'm thinking more clearly and climbing out of that depression I had been in and I wasn't even aware of how deep I was in there. I WANT to make friends. I WANT to leave the house. I have ambition and I'm starting to make goals and get excited about my future instead of the opposite.
Anyway, corny, but a little weight loss is changing me drastically from the inside as well. I'm improving my way of life. Go me :)
12 more to go until I hit my birthday goal on March 2nd!
Friday, January 20, 2012
I'm so proud of myself!
I havent been blogging much, but I do have something to show for it....
or I guess technically I have less to show! I was 231 on New Years day, so I have lost 15lbs just this year. I still have a long way to go, but it feels good to look back and see how far I have come.
I'm trying to figure out how to dress now that I have more options. If I have listened to anything on What Not to Wear, I think I need a dark jean that has a straight leg from the widest part of my hips. I'm really getting inspired by outfits on Pinterest. Hopefully in my next pic I'll be a bit more stylish. :) I'm going shopping at every 10lb weight loss.
My short term goal is to be under 200lbs by my birthday March 2nd. I havent been under 200 since I had my youngest daughter 3 years ago. GEESH!
I haven't worked toward something in a long time. It feels good to have a goal (especially one for myself) and I'm really proud of how far I've come already. I haven't felt proud of MYSELF in a long time! Go me!
Putting this here for my benefit-
Start weight Jan 1st. and Goal to be under 200lbs by March 2nd!
or I guess technically I have less to show! I was 231 on New Years day, so I have lost 15lbs just this year. I still have a long way to go, but it feels good to look back and see how far I have come.
I'm trying to figure out how to dress now that I have more options. If I have listened to anything on What Not to Wear, I think I need a dark jean that has a straight leg from the widest part of my hips. I'm really getting inspired by outfits on Pinterest. Hopefully in my next pic I'll be a bit more stylish. :) I'm going shopping at every 10lb weight loss.
My short term goal is to be under 200lbs by my birthday March 2nd. I havent been under 200 since I had my youngest daughter 3 years ago. GEESH!
I haven't worked toward something in a long time. It feels good to have a goal (especially one for myself) and I'm really proud of how far I've come already. I haven't felt proud of MYSELF in a long time! Go me!
Putting this here for my benefit-
Start weight Jan 1st. and Goal to be under 200lbs by March 2nd!
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